The incident took place here.

B was spending a couple days in Dubai last week working at her “paid-volunteer” job and staying at the Citymax hotel in Bur Dubai. The company I work for has two offices, one here in Abu Dhabi and the other in Dubai. She’s been working since early January and splits her time between the two cities with a promise of a contract and a salary but continually being put off with various excuses as to why she hasn’t been signed on or even paid. At least they reimburse her expenses.  I will force the rotating blades of the air cooling machine to receive a fermented load of excrement next week if this situation is not resolved.

Anyway, B calls me from the hotel room in a bit of a panic telling me there had been an incident at the hotel.

“A voice came over the loudspeaker in the hall way stating there had been an incident in the hotel and we were to stay in our rooms until further notice,” she stated.  “I’m really freaking out.”

My first thoughts were terrorist attack or a murder in the hotel but not to make B worry even more I decided to play it down.

“Well, look outside the window and see if there is anything unusual looking in front of the entrance,” I replied.  Her answer came back negative.  “I’m sure it’s nothing. Why don’t you call the front desk and ask?”

About twenty minutes later B called back. “It took me forever to get through downstairs. The incident is over, we can leave the room now,” she informed me. “Someone lit a cigarette in a non-smoking room.”

Will smoking in the hotel get you this?

Relieved that no one had died, I wondered if the culprit had been taken away in shackles and jailed for a few months.  How did they know this had happened? Are there security cameras in the rooms? Did everyone stay in their rooms as instructed? Was the culprit’s room locked from a central security station so he couldn’t escape? I have a lot of questions. The safe and secure feeling you have living in the UAE is countered, I’m afraid to admit, by a really Big Brother in the room.

B and I walked to the Khalidiyah Mall this morning rather than take the taxi in an attempt to pretend it was exercise and to take a look at the back streets of Abu Dhabi. We needed to stock up on groceries in order to break the chain of perpetual eating out, which is taking it’s toll on the pocketbok and the waistline. Plus, as I mentioned before, Abu Dhabi’s restaurant scene is quite varied but disappointingly tasteless, relying more on the generally excellent ambiance of their physical plants to attract customers rather than the taste of the food. The lure of home cooking had moved high enough up on our priority list to get us off our behinds and do something about it.

No business for old men.

Just for fun I took my camera along for the twenty minute or so walk and was not disappointed at that decision. It’s Friday morning, the one common day off work shared by both government offices and private businesses, and shops that are open today generally don’t do so until the afternoon. So our walk was quite enjoyable with very few cars on the road, very few people outdoors and weather nice enough to prevent one from breaking a sweat.

The first interesting thing we came across was a computer store that either sold old antique computer systems or was owned and opererated by the elderly, which made me question if they would even know enough about computers to have a viable business. The store was closed so I could not enter the shop to find out.

The Sniper Grocery Store

We then walked by a grocery store that was either owned and operated by ex-military sharpshooters or was warning us of our fate if we were caught shoplifting. Again, this impeccable local business was closed and I couldn’t find out the answer to that question. Probably they were at the local armory stocking up on theft prevention supplies.

Further on down the road we saw an interesting skyscraper under construction. Obviously, the Pisa Construction company from Italy was requisitioned to build this future Abu Dhabi icon. Fortunately, it seems that it won’t be more than the usual 20 stories tall, which used to be the height limit for all construction projects and gave one the impresion that Abu Dhabi had some sense of city planning. Had the Pisa brothers had a local partner tied to the ruling family, who apparently get to build anything, anywhere and any height they desire, despite the city plannning guidelines, and put up a 50 story tower, I’m afraid it would have bumped into its neighboring building.

Leaning Tower of Abu Dhabi

We finally arrived at the mall to discover that the LuLu supermarket was promoting it’s vast supply of organically grown fruits and vegetables. The center of the Khalidiyah Mall currently contains a great display of  colorful, fresh, neatly arranged and displayed fruits and vegetables, which instantly caught our eye. We browsed the several aisles of produce, constantly oohing and aahing at the quality food before our eyes. However, there were no bags with which to purchase our treasures nor were ther any supermarket staff on hand to help us.  A security guard quiclky educated us to the fact that these items were on display only and we had to go into the LuLu supermarket, over to their produce section, to purchase the organically grown items.

The trouble is that the organically grown produce in the supermarket was generally outdated, withered, turning brown and wrinkling. Apparently the fresh recently delivered produce goes out on display for several days, where you aren’t allowed to buy it before it’s brought back into the store to sell, which by then it’s basically unedible. Who thought of that marketing strategy?

The longer I live here, the smarter I become, comparaively. Never a dull moment in this country.

I have found a new and exciting pastime while eating breakfst in the UAE. When I was a child, cereal boxes usually had a game or puzzle printed on the back  to keep me entertained while mindlessly consuming the artificially sweetened cellulose they passed off as nutrition. I guess the marketers figured they could sell more boxes with the entertainment value printed on the outside of the box rather than hope to sell the taste of the contents in the box.

Censored Cereal Box

I am reliving my childhood once again with the slick marketing campaign designed on the outside of UAE cereal boxes, disguised as censorship. As you can see by the photo, the innocuous looking model on the back of the cereal box has been turned into a suggestive sultry maneater by the addition of two carefully placed censorship stickers over her immoral parts.

They say that once you aren’t allowed to do or see something, you desire that thing even more than before. When we moved to Portugal 11 years ago, there really wasn’t a minimum drinking age. Minors were allowed to purchase beer and hard liquor for their parents. At first we were shocked having come from California where you can legally go to war and kill people at age 18, but can’t drink to anesthesize that experience until you are 21. However, in Portugal, there wasn’t an underage drinking problem because alcohol wasn’t demonized by a law banning alcohol until an arbitrary amount of time had passed living on this planet.

Damn! Better luck next time.

These censored cereal boxes remind me of a bizarre type of adult Advent calendar. You know, each day of Christmas has a numbered window that you open, behind which a cute drawing of some sort of holiday icon is revealed. Now I look forward to breakfast and my morning cereal box as a challange of my manual dexterity and to the unrealistic fantasy that I will uncover much more of a visual treat that I know is really there.

Abu Dhabi Taxi

1.) Indian Cab Driver (as another cab almost collides with our cab): “Those Pakistani cab drivers are crazy, they don’t know how to drive”.

2.) Pakistani Cab Driver: “Where do you come from?”

Me: “I’m from the USA originally”

Pakistani Cab Driver: “Your drone attacks kill many innocent people in my country.”

Me: “Well, I have nothing to do with that and don’t necessarily agree with everything my government does.”

Long uncomfortable silence during the remainder of the ride as the driver seems to be a bit more reckless in his control of the vehicle.

3.) Muslim Cab Driver: “What you do in Abu Dhabi?”

Me: “I work in health care.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “You are doctor.”

Me: “Technically, yes, but not a physician.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “I have a very important medical question for you, a question that I think of all the time.  Is it possible for a woman to still be a virgin on her wedding night but to have lost the proof of her virginity?

Me: “What? This is not my area of expertise.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “You are a doctor, you will know. Can a woman still be a virgin without a hymen?”

Me, thinking I’d better not make a joke about this: “Well, I guess a very athletic woman; one who competes in sporting events could be so active that it could tear.” Somehow that came out of my mouth without skipping a beat.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “Yes, That is correct. That is very good answer. You very smart. That is very good answer.”

4.) Pakistani Cab Driver (as another cab almost collides with our cab): “Those Indian cab drivers are crazy, they don’t know how to drive”.

5.) Pakistani Cab Driver: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from America.”

Pakistani Cab Driver: “Obama bombs my country and kills my people.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t lived in the USA for over 10 years and am not up to date on word politics, but I am sorry to hear that.”

Long uncomfortable silence during the remainder of the ride as the driver seems to be a bit more reckless in his control of the vehicle.

6.) Sri Lankan Cab Driver: “Today I am a very happy man. My wife gave birth to a son three hours ago.”

Me: “Congratulations. Why are you working today? You should be with your wife right now.”

Sri Lankan Cab Driver: “I drive cab. I work every day.”

I gave him a good tip.

7.) Me: “I’d like to go to the BMW showroom in Khalidiya.”

Elderly Cab Driver: “You know how to get there?”

Me: “What? That’s your job to know that.”

Elderly Cab Driver: “This my first day working as driver.”

Me: “Well, I have a map. Do you know where we are now?” (I had been walking and wasn’t sure what intersection he picked me up.)

Elderly Cab Driver: “I think Electra Street, I get directions at petrol station.”

Me: “Wait, you’re going the wrong way.”

8.) Pakistani Cab Driver: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from Canada.”

Pakistani Cab Driver: “Canada! Very good, very nice.”

Liquid Sunshine in Dubai

I saw the first signs of the changing season here with a small rainstorm today.  Dubai has two seasons; a really hot and humid summer and a mild summer. We were in the Ibn Batutta mall having lunch at the Lime Tree cafe (our favorite restaurant so far) when the previously impotent cloud cover opened up a bit and showered the open terrace with a refreshing light shower. The cloud cover has been a bit threatening over the past few days but this is the first official wet spot I’ve noticed. I hear that early next year to expect a few heavy downpours that will flood the poorly engineered street culverts and identify all the holes in the roofs on the uppermost floors of most buildings.

Christmas Tree

You wouldn’t think that there would be any hint of Christmas here in a country where Allah has the upper hand over God, but you couldn’t be more wrong than Daylight’s Saving Time or skin care for men.

In a country whose national pastime is mall cruising and shopping, what better way to get the tourists and 85% of the non-local population to add to the GNP during the month of December than to pander the commercial side of Christmas.

If the idea of a young girl dressed in the traditional black abaya with her head covered in a black scarf sitting on Santa’s lap seems just plain wrong you have to remember that Father Christmas is just a pagan tradition, along with the Christmas tree, gift giving, hiding your brooms and the Festivus pole. These traditions do not conflict with Islam whatsoever.

Santa in Sandyland

You won’t, however, see any Nativity scenes or shop closures on the 25th. In fact, today is just another working day like all others and after opening our presents this morning, we are going off to the Marina Mall to do more shopping. Merry Christmas from the UAE!

The Infamous Tree

Not to be outdone by the gold vending machine, the Emirates Palace has again proven that its public relations budget is well worth the allocated funds and again sparked world attention by erecting the world’s most expensive Christmas tree. The appropriately named “$11 million Christmas Tree” has been criticized by many as a grotesque display of wealth during tough economic times, but regardless what you think of the concept, the Emirates Palace has succeeded. Marketing mission accomplished.

I went to see what all the fuss was about last night and the experience was a bit of an anticlimax. Yes the tree is beautiful and very tall, well decorated with traditional ornaments and a bevy of beautifully wrapped fake presents at the base of the tree. The source of the extreme price tag is not immediately apparent until you get up close and personal with the branches of the once living pine. Well, you can’t actually get that close as security is tight and the circular railing surrounding this icon of UAE excessiveness is well beyond  two arm’s lengths and your average forty-something’s focal length. I had to use my camera’s zoom lens to get a good view of the controversial ornaments.

Mere baubles adorn the tree.

Big deal! It’s just a normal (tall) Christmas tree with a bunch of expensive necklaces hung out on the branches. It’s not like $11 million was spent on the tree. 99% of the visible value in front of your eyes will be returned to the donating jewelers store front window after Christmas. I look at the situation as a Green environmentally friendly display case, a unique and creative way to get public exposure to some beautiful original designer trinkets and another marketing hole-in-one for the Emirates Palace in Abu Dhabi.

Flag of Portugal

Portugal has four distinct and noticeable seasons. The UAE has two; unbearable summer and normal summer.

Both countries enjoy a confusing, inefficient bureaucracy, long queues in public buildings, and government employees that aren’t paid enough to care but with enough power to ruin your day.

English is a second language in Portugal and is spoken well enough to be understood. English is an official language in the UAE and is unintelligible coming out of the mouths of the service sector population.

Food in Portuguese restaurants is unbelievably delicious, not expensive, but most of the cuisine is pretty much the same thing from restaurant to restaurant. Food in UAE restaurants is unbelievably varied, a bit expensive but disappointingly tasteless (unless you opt for the really expensive restaurants).

Portuguese drivers are really horrible and you have to drive extremely defensive on the roads. UAE drivers make the Portuguese look like driving instructors.

Flag of the United Arab Emirates

Both the Portuguese and the Emirati are the nicest people you will ever meet.

Public urinating is a national pastime in Portugal and a jailable offense in the UAE.

Taxis in both countries are not expensive. You can get across Lisbon for about $10 and Abu Dhabi for about $7.

Fresh water in Portugal comes out of the skies, is collected in lakes, streams and wells and is relatively cheap to purchase, unless you have a furo, then it is free. Fresh water in the UAE comes from the ocean, is desalinated in large factories that burn oil to process the salt water, and delivered to your faucet at about half the price it costs to make it, unless you are an Emirati where it is subsidized  further and costs even less.

When it rains in Portugal the streets drain quickly due to the spaces between the calçadas and the accurate engineering of the slope of the road down to the storm drain. When it rains in the UAE, which is about two days a year, most buildings leak and the roads flood as no one engineers rain into their construction projects.

Drive 10 minutes north of the Algarvian coastline and you are in the agricultural, green countryside. Drive 10 minutes south of the UAE coastline and you see nothing but sand and camels.

If given a choice, the Portuguese walk rather than drive. In the UAE no one walks.

Portugal enjoys freedom of the press. The UAE does too, as long as they like what you print.

Combine cruising down main street on a  Saturday night in the 1970′s with the Fourth of July, add a dash of innocent Halloween pranking and you have the 2010 UAE national day celebration.  No alcohol allowed and you have good clean fun in an amazing environment.

Islamic Disneyland

I’ve been asked several times since moving to the UAE what it is like living here. Up until now, my answers have been long drawn out explanations of the climate, the culture, the social and economic levels and the glitter, bling and gold plating added to every endeavor taken on in this tiny country.

Having moved here from quiet, green and sincere Portugal, my initial impression of this place was of shock and awe, hypnotized by the perpetual dripping of money and surreal order of everything.  Portugal and the UAE are on opposite ends of the spectrum in the comparative list of the world ‘s countries. Agricultural green has been replaced by sandy brown, rural quietness  has been replaced by the deafening sound of 24 hour a day high rise construction (an alleyway’s distance from the terrace of our apartment), and sincere is not a word in the vocabulary of 85% of the population whose motivation to be here is to make a ton of money during their three year work contract and then get back out.

Not that they have a choice, mind you. In the UAE, if you don’t have a job, you have to leave the country. There is no homeless population, no soup kitchens, no welfare or public assistance,and no unemployment. Your right to stay here beyond the 30 day tourist visa that gets stamped in your passport when you enter the country is solely dependent on getting a job. Without a job, you will be deported back to your home country. In the UAE, you can not open a bank account, get a drivers license, rent an apartment or get a residence visa without legitimate employment. Everyone here works.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I am having more fun living here than I ever thought I would, but this place is unique and completely different than any other country in the world. Now that I have settled into the daily grind of living here, and “shock and awe” has been replaced with “day to day”, I have come to realize that I am living in Disneyland.

Cast Members take the Monorail to the Disneyland Hotel.

As is in Disneyland, everything you see here is artificial, clean, intentional, planned, attractive, superficial, polite, expensive, overstaffed, secure, safe, and there is much more hidden and going on behind he scenes that you are allowed to see.

In Disneyland, there is an entire underground (literally) portion of the park that houses the security, computers, kitchens, maintenance facilities, staff entrances, loading docks and pretty much anything that , if visible by the tourists, would take away from the fantasy and idyllic experience created above ground. Underground is where the aesthetically challenged employees work, the ones who applied for the job of portraying Alice and Jasmine above ground but didn’t make it through the sieve of attractiveness. You don’t ever see them but they make up the majority of the employees and are really what make the park tick.

In Dubai and Abu Dhabi, there isn’t the convenience of a separate underground facility to hide what you are not supposed to see, but they certainly try. The construction worker class of residents, whose plight and conditions have been described by some journalists (none living here as saying anything negative about the UAE never makes it to print here) as modern day slaves, are bussed in and out of town. Apparently their living conditions are upsetting to the expat community so out of sight, out of mind is the solution to that problem.

Walking down Main Street in Disneyland you can’t help notice that every building is clean, freshly painted and with flowers in the windows. The architects of Main Street left no detail ignored and created an experience of reality that really isn’t there. What you don’t realize is that these buildings are just  fronts, facades to give you the illusion they are three dimensional structures. Look behind the windows and you will find nothing but scaffolding and some support structures. Any scrap of litter casually tossed on the ground by insensitive tourists is immediately swept up by the nameless, smartly dressed but good looking (enough) trash sweeper uppers. Apparently this is the most sought after job in Disneyland as there is absolutely no interaction whatsoever with the public. The employees you do interact with, however,are always cheerful, greet you energetically, call you “Sir” or “Ma’am”, all with the intonation of a Stepford wife. This is customer service on steroids.

Cinderella's Castle

Walking down the main streets of Dubai you can’t help notice that all the newer buildings and skyscrapers are modern day works of art. The designer tile work and reflective mirrored windows give you the impression that this city must be the world’s center of prosperity and have it all. The architects left no detail ignored and created an experience of reality that really isn’t there.  What you don’t realize is that many of these buildings are just shells, mirrored on the outside to hide that fact. Look behind the windows and you will find that the majority of these commercial buildings are unoccupied, a symptom of the pre-economic crisis mentality of “build it and they will come”. These areas, built to attract tourists and western expats are litter and dirt free as countless entry level cleaners constantly sweep away any hint of disorder and chaos. You don’t interact with these people as they are probably trained to be as inconspicuous as possible. However, every store clerk, taxi driver, doorman, waitress and mid level employee you run into drips of customer service overload and always addresses you as “Sir” or “Ma’am”.

As I said, I live in Disneyland.