I have found a new and exciting pastime while eating breakfst in the UAE. When I was a child, cereal boxes usually had a game or puzzle printed on the back  to keep me entertained while mindlessly consuming the artificially sweetened cellulose they passed off as nutrition. I guess the marketers figured they could sell more boxes with the entertainment value printed on the outside of the box rather than hope to sell the taste of the contents in the box.

Censored Cereal Box

I am reliving my childhood once again with the slick marketing campaign designed on the outside of UAE cereal boxes, disguised as censorship. As you can see by the photo, the innocuous looking model on the back of the cereal box has been turned into a suggestive sultry maneater by the addition of two carefully placed censorship stickers over her immoral parts.

They say that once you aren’t allowed to do or see something, you desire that thing even more than before. When we moved to Portugal 11 years ago, there really wasn’t a minimum drinking age. Minors were allowed to purchase beer and hard liquor for their parents. At first we were shocked having come from California where you can legally go to war and kill people at age 18, but can’t drink to anesthesize that experience until you are 21. However, in Portugal, there wasn’t an underage drinking problem because alcohol wasn’t demonized by a law banning alcohol until an arbitrary amount of time had passed living on this planet.

Damn! Better luck next time.

These censored cereal boxes remind me of a bizarre type of adult Advent calendar. You know, each day of Christmas has a numbered window that you open, behind which a cute drawing of some sort of holiday icon is revealed. Now I look forward to breakfast and my morning cereal box as a challange of my manual dexterity and to the unrealistic fantasy that I will uncover much more of a visual treat that I know is really there.

Abu Dhabi Taxi

1.) Indian Cab Driver (as another cab almost collides with our cab): “Those Pakistani cab drivers are crazy, they don’t know how to drive”.

2.) Pakistani Cab Driver: “Where do you come from?”

Me: “I’m from the USA originally”

Pakistani Cab Driver: “Your drone attacks kill many innocent people in my country.”

Me: “Well, I have nothing to do with that and don’t necessarily agree with everything my government does.”

Long uncomfortable silence during the remainder of the ride as the driver seems to be a bit more reckless in his control of the vehicle.

3.) Muslim Cab Driver: “What you do in Abu Dhabi?”

Me: “I work in health care.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “You are doctor.”

Me: “Technically, yes, but not a physician.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “I have a very important medical question for you, a question that I think of all the time.  Is it possible for a woman to still be a virgin on her wedding night but to have lost the proof of her virginity?

Me: “What? This is not my area of expertise.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “You are a doctor, you will know. Can a woman still be a virgin without a hymen?”

Me, thinking I’d better not make a joke about this: “Well, I guess a very athletic woman; one who competes in sporting events could be so active that it could tear.” Somehow that came out of my mouth without skipping a beat.”

Muslim Cab Driver: “Yes, That is correct. That is very good answer. You very smart. That is very good answer.”

4.) Pakistani Cab Driver (as another cab almost collides with our cab): “Those Indian cab drivers are crazy, they don’t know how to drive”.

5.) Pakistani Cab Driver: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from America.”

Pakistani Cab Driver: “Obama bombs my country and kills my people.”

Me: “Well, I haven’t lived in the USA for over 10 years and am not up to date on word politics, but I am sorry to hear that.”

Long uncomfortable silence during the remainder of the ride as the driver seems to be a bit more reckless in his control of the vehicle.

6.) Sri Lankan Cab Driver: “Today I am a very happy man. My wife gave birth to a son three hours ago.”

Me: “Congratulations. Why are you working today? You should be with your wife right now.”

Sri Lankan Cab Driver: “I drive cab. I work every day.”

I gave him a good tip.

7.) Me: “I’d like to go to the BMW showroom in Khalidiya.”

Elderly Cab Driver: “You know how to get there?”

Me: “What? That’s your job to know that.”

Elderly Cab Driver: “This my first day working as driver.”

Me: “Well, I have a map. Do you know where we are now?” (I had been walking and wasn’t sure what intersection he picked me up.)

Elderly Cab Driver: “I think Electra Street, I get directions at petrol station.”

Me: “Wait, you’re going the wrong way.”

8.) Pakistani Cab Driver: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from Canada.”

Pakistani Cab Driver: “Canada! Very good, very nice.”

Christmas Tree

You wouldn’t think that there would be any hint of Christmas here in a country where Allah has the upper hand over God, but you couldn’t be more wrong than Daylight’s Saving Time or skin care for men.

In a country whose national pastime is mall cruising and shopping, what better way to get the tourists and 85% of the non-local population to add to the GNP during the month of December than to pander the commercial side of Christmas.

If the idea of a young girl dressed in the traditional black abaya with her head covered in a black scarf sitting on Santa’s lap seems just plain wrong you have to remember that Father Christmas is just a pagan tradition, along with the Christmas tree, gift giving, hiding your brooms and the Festivus pole. These traditions do not conflict with Islam whatsoever.

Santa in Sandyland

You won’t, however, see any Nativity scenes or shop closures on the 25th. In fact, today is just another working day like all others and after opening our presents this morning, we are going off to the Marina Mall to do more shopping. Merry Christmas from the UAE!

Flag of Portugal

Portugal has four distinct and noticeable seasons. The UAE has two; unbearable summer and normal summer.

Both countries enjoy a confusing, inefficient bureaucracy, long queues in public buildings, and government employees that aren’t paid enough to care but with enough power to ruin your day.

English is a second language in Portugal and is spoken well enough to be understood. English is an official language in the UAE and is unintelligible coming out of the mouths of the service sector population.

Food in Portuguese restaurants is unbelievably delicious, not expensive, but most of the cuisine is pretty much the same thing from restaurant to restaurant. Food in UAE restaurants is unbelievably varied, a bit expensive but disappointingly tasteless (unless you opt for the really expensive restaurants).

Portuguese drivers are really horrible and you have to drive extremely defensive on the roads. UAE drivers make the Portuguese look like driving instructors.

Flag of the United Arab Emirates

Both the Portuguese and the Emirati are the nicest people you will ever meet.

Public urinating is a national pastime in Portugal and a jailable offense in the UAE.

Taxis in both countries are not expensive. You can get across Lisbon for about $10 and Abu Dhabi for about $7.

Fresh water in Portugal comes out of the skies, is collected in lakes, streams and wells and is relatively cheap to purchase, unless you have a furo, then it is free. Fresh water in the UAE comes from the ocean, is desalinated in large factories that burn oil to process the salt water, and delivered to your faucet at about half the price it costs to make it, unless you are an Emirati where it is subsidized  further and costs even less.

When it rains in Portugal the streets drain quickly due to the spaces between the calçadas and the accurate engineering of the slope of the road down to the storm drain. When it rains in the UAE, which is about two days a year, most buildings leak and the roads flood as no one engineers rain into their construction projects.

Drive 10 minutes north of the Algarvian coastline and you are in the agricultural, green countryside. Drive 10 minutes south of the UAE coastline and you see nothing but sand and camels.

If given a choice, the Portuguese walk rather than drive. In the UAE no one walks.

Portugal enjoys freedom of the press. The UAE does too, as long as they like what you print.

Combine cruising down main street on a  Saturday night in the 1970′s with the Fourth of July, add a dash of innocent Halloween pranking and you have the 2010 UAE national day celebration.  No alcohol allowed and you have good clean fun in an amazing environment.

Islamic Disneyland

I’ve been asked several times since moving to the UAE what it is like living here. Up until now, my answers have been long drawn out explanations of the climate, the culture, the social and economic levels and the glitter, bling and gold plating added to every endeavor taken on in this tiny country.

Having moved here from quiet, green and sincere Portugal, my initial impression of this place was of shock and awe, hypnotized by the perpetual dripping of money and surreal order of everything.  Portugal and the UAE are on opposite ends of the spectrum in the comparative list of the world ‘s countries. Agricultural green has been replaced by sandy brown, rural quietness  has been replaced by the deafening sound of 24 hour a day high rise construction (an alleyway’s distance from the terrace of our apartment), and sincere is not a word in the vocabulary of 85% of the population whose motivation to be here is to make a ton of money during their three year work contract and then get back out.

Not that they have a choice, mind you. In the UAE, if you don’t have a job, you have to leave the country. There is no homeless population, no soup kitchens, no welfare or public assistance,and no unemployment. Your right to stay here beyond the 30 day tourist visa that gets stamped in your passport when you enter the country is solely dependent on getting a job. Without a job, you will be deported back to your home country. In the UAE, you can not open a bank account, get a drivers license, rent an apartment or get a residence visa without legitimate employment. Everyone here works.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining.  I am having more fun living here than I ever thought I would, but this place is unique and completely different than any other country in the world. Now that I have settled into the daily grind of living here, and “shock and awe” has been replaced with “day to day”, I have come to realize that I am living in Disneyland.

Cast Members take the Monorail to the Disneyland Hotel.

As is in Disneyland, everything you see here is artificial, clean, intentional, planned, attractive, superficial, polite, expensive, overstaffed, secure, safe, and there is much more hidden and going on behind he scenes that you are allowed to see.

In Disneyland, there is an entire underground (literally) portion of the park that houses the security, computers, kitchens, maintenance facilities, staff entrances, loading docks and pretty much anything that , if visible by the tourists, would take away from the fantasy and idyllic experience created above ground. Underground is where the aesthetically challenged employees work, the ones who applied for the job of portraying Alice and Jasmine above ground but didn’t make it through the sieve of attractiveness. You don’t ever see them but they make up the majority of the employees and are really what make the park tick.

In Dubai and Abu Dhabi, there isn’t the convenience of a separate underground facility to hide what you are not supposed to see, but they certainly try. The construction worker class of residents, whose plight and conditions have been described by some journalists (none living here as saying anything negative about the UAE never makes it to print here) as modern day slaves, are bussed in and out of town. Apparently their living conditions are upsetting to the expat community so out of sight, out of mind is the solution to that problem.

Walking down Main Street in Disneyland you can’t help notice that every building is clean, freshly painted and with flowers in the windows. The architects of Main Street left no detail ignored and created an experience of reality that really isn’t there. What you don’t realize is that these buildings are just  fronts, facades to give you the illusion they are three dimensional structures. Look behind the windows and you will find nothing but scaffolding and some support structures. Any scrap of litter casually tossed on the ground by insensitive tourists is immediately swept up by the nameless, smartly dressed but good looking (enough) trash sweeper uppers. Apparently this is the most sought after job in Disneyland as there is absolutely no interaction whatsoever with the public. The employees you do interact with, however,are always cheerful, greet you energetically, call you “Sir” or “Ma’am”, all with the intonation of a Stepford wife. This is customer service on steroids.

Cinderella's Castle

Walking down the main streets of Dubai you can’t help notice that all the newer buildings and skyscrapers are modern day works of art. The designer tile work and reflective mirrored windows give you the impression that this city must be the world’s center of prosperity and have it all. The architects left no detail ignored and created an experience of reality that really isn’t there.  What you don’t realize is that many of these buildings are just shells, mirrored on the outside to hide that fact. Look behind the windows and you will find that the majority of these commercial buildings are unoccupied, a symptom of the pre-economic crisis mentality of “build it and they will come”. These areas, built to attract tourists and western expats are litter and dirt free as countless entry level cleaners constantly sweep away any hint of disorder and chaos. You don’t interact with these people as they are probably trained to be as inconspicuous as possible. However, every store clerk, taxi driver, doorman, waitress and mid level employee you run into drips of customer service overload and always addresses you as “Sir” or “Ma’am”.

As I said, I live in Disneyland.

This coming Friday I am going to participate in one of the most popular expat activities this country has to offer, the visa run. At first you may think I’m talking about an organized group running event down the Cornish of Abu Dhabi, the entry fees of which might go to some worthy charity. But this is not an aerobic sports run, it’s even more exciting than that.

Visa Stamps

You see, when you arrive in the UAE, you get a little stamp in your passport that allows you to stay in the country for 30 days and in some circumstances, up to 60 days. This is usually plenty of time for most tourists to come, enjoy a little vacation time and go home with a minimum of paperwork to be legal staying here.

If you come here to work, your company gives you a work visa which then allows you to apply for residency, then eliminating the need for the border stamps. These are things that aren’t necessarily possible to do in 30 days. Having spent 10 years in Portugal and seen first hand how countries wrapped up in endless red tape operate, I seriously doubted that this can be accomplished in several months. My suspicions were confirmed shortly after starting work as most of my colleagues have spent up to a year getting these two critical documents in hand.

Running Man

So what happens as your 30 day tourist stamp comes close to expiring? The Visa run! To remain legal in the country, you have to leave the country and then return. That means crossing the border, then turning around and coming back, gaining a new 30 day stamp in your passport, or flying out to some other country, turning around and coming back into the UAE. This event is practiced every day by hundreds of expats waiting for their work documents to come through.

Great, I say. A chance to get away for the weekend to some nearby culturally significant tourist destination. But every 30 days? For possibly an entire year?

Welcome to the Visa run racket. A million dollar plus industry that has created relatively cheap turnaround airline flights to keep you legal in this country every 30 days. You fly out and back into the UAE in just one day, get your stamp and go back to work the next day.

I chose to fly to Oman this Friday, my day off, so I won’t miss work. Trouble is that the flight leaves at 3AM and I get back to Dubai 10 AM. I don’t think there will be much to do in the Muskat airport when I land at 4AM. What a waste of time and an entire day.

Original article here.

Mariam Yammahi has three children. Two have genetic abnormalities.  “I would never allow my child to marry a first cousin,” she says. “Not after what has happened to me.”

When Cousins Marry

Mrs Yammahi, 26, is from a traditional family in Fujairah. Eight years ago, she and her prospective husband, her first cousin, were screened for the most common genetic diseases at the Thalassaemia Centre in Dubai.

Her first son, Abdulaziz, now seven, was born with a condition that remains unnamed. Among his ailments are an enlarged head with dangerous water retention. He also has congenital heart disease and had to have surgery for a hole in his heart. He cannot walk and his speech is only just developing.

Although she expected further complications with her second child, she was born healthy and is now five. It was her youngest, Sara, now three, who would be born with the same condition as her brother. She is deaf and refuses to use a hearing aid, which has resulted in impaired speech.

The children of Mrs Yammahi’s second cousin have the same condition, as do three of Mrs Yammahi’s cousins. It is probably no coincidence that they all married cousins.

The tradition, she says, is more common in more rural areas, such as Fujairah, and her new home, Al Ain, where she moved to study computer engineering at UAE University.

No all traditions, even legal ones here, are necessarily good ones.

Al Bidyah Mosque

On my trek to the east coast of the UAE a few weeks ago with my friend Richard, we stopped by the Al Bidyah Mosque near Fujairah. This is the oldest known mosque on the Arabian peninsula and dates back to the early 1400′s. It’s architecture is unique as it consists of four pointed domes and is still in use as you can see by the photos.

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No shoes allowed.

We happened to arrive at prayer time and weren’t sure if the mosque isn’t open to the public outside prayer time or not. Needless to say we did not go in. There is a small castle above the mosque from where I took the last photograph of the tower below.

Tower above Al Bidyah Mosque

I named this bull Mr. T.

Who says there’s nothing to to on a Friday afternoon in the UAE? I was cruising the east coast of the UAE with my friend Richard about two weeks ago when we came across what seemed like an open field surrounded by hundreds of people peering into a small arena. At first I thought we came upon a small local camel race but upon exiting the car and walking over, noticed several bulls tied up along the perimeter of the fenced in field.

Bloodless bullfights

Welcome to the UAE’s version of bullfighting. Before you get upset, you have to realize that here the bull does not get killed, nor is it injured in any way. This is an actual bull fight. Two bulls are brought into the arena and they “fight” by facing each other, locking horns and PUSHING. It’s sort of a push-of -war, the bull who causes the other to back up wins. Or so it seems. There is a referee who decides who is declared the winner and keeps the bulls facing each other.

Spectators with a deathwish.

Most of the spectators are safely outside the fence, but a collection of spectators (VIP’s, bull owners, daredevils?) are sitting in the arena a few feet from the fighting bulls. The most entertaining part of the afternoon was watching these internal spectators scramble when the bulls got too close or when one got free from it’s restraints and charged the crowd.